Day 1, 8-3-2010, time is 12.32am and don't know how many freaking seconds. i do not care anyway.

Tonight, something bad really happened to me. It hurt so badly that it is like i jumped down from a cliff only to survive with a broken leg, and for me to be struggling in the ocean too. The blood in the sea really attracted great white sharks and they seemed to be torturing me tearing my limbs one by one, even mutilating my man hood. Leaving my head only floating in the already red sea. And the seagulls coming to shit on my head and piss on it too. When my head float to a nearby island, kids picked it up and played football with it for many years, even when the flesh has already been disintegrated and only leaving the skull behind. And even the skull left behind, my soul is still inside it. And this is how i felt today.

And many people might be asking why the hell i felt that way. Wait no one is suppose to know about this shit ass essay or something like that i am writing about. Anyway, the reason i felt like that is simple. Why don't you try it, some significant person to you pulled your hopes so high up, only for it to drop down from heaven to hell just like lucifer the fallen angel. This is why.

Do you guys even get the feeling of really loving someone, even you did not have anything started with her in the first place? I doubt so. Let me tell you, i really love this girl so much that i even freaking told all my bros that i am sure she is my first and last girlfriend and my first and last wife. Every single thing i do, be it school, wake up, before i sleep, eat, playing football, pool, guitar, and everything i think of her. Whether is she ok and all those stuff. Although we have been talking on msn for a while, and a few smes, everything started to seem so real to me. When the opportunity came for me to meet her tommorrow, or rather today, something just came along and broke my heart. I do not even have the guts to face her anymore one on one or even as a group. For i know everything will be different, and it may even be difficult to stay as friends. And i want to at least stay as friends with her, just to share her burden, happiness and all that. Than again everyone might be saying, this, you are not even her freaking boyfriend what for you care so much. And i can answer them with confidence, cause i really love her.

Tonight, it is really good that some good bros of mine, showed it to me. If not god knows what happen to me tonight. I do not even think i can pull through tonight alone. It is a very painful experience for me if i had discover it alone. I cannot really believe it, that today i bought a formal shirt, so that tomorrow, if we had went out i can wear it to show my sincerity and to show that i really mean it.

I know although we have not started out. This feels as bad as me finding out that my wife had an affair with another guy in my own house and bed. For me to return home one day to see them having sex together in my bed. My wife asking me to join them instead of trying to explain stuff to me. This is exactly how i felt.

To add fuel to fire, after i saw the photos, my mind totally went blank i do not know what to do, i really felt very helpless, as i saw u being kissed by your lover, i felt like as though some one stabbed me with 300 knifes at different accu points just to make sure i suffer and die slowly. This is really how i felt.

I know that if i had discovered it alone, there will be at least ten different depth of cuts on my hand or wrist by tomorrow, for that will be my morphine, and that will help me pull through the entire night. As the night is still young and it will be very long. Espeicially i will try to stop and forget and think about you before i sleep. I had a few thinkings which ran through my mind before this catastrophe happend to me. I really thought that we can last, and we could have kids all that togehter. But seriously all this are just foolish thoughts on my part, for now it may never happen and become real anymore.

Anyway which girl will like someone who is unfit, with no muscles, listens to classic rock, rock and roll, hard rock, heavy metal, melodic death metal, some speed or thrash metal, post hard core, and hard core music? Which girl will also like a guy who is so crazily retarded, everyday doing stupid things. Which whereby one day, when he dies, he bros and friends can go on and on about the stupid stuff that he did when he was still alive. One fine example, was trying to catch a catfish which is as big as his thigh and as long as his arm with a hand in the school compound?

I know what i am writing now seems to direct to her. But seriously, if you guys are my brothers or friends please don't blame her. Because this stuff is entirely my fault, not hers............



And i wish you happiness. that is all, if you need anyone again, i hope you will come back to me, for i will be waiting for you for god knows till when.......





I love her.....

Day 1 of the start of an eternal night

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